Rolling Over in their Graves

We join a congress of the Founding Fathers, called from their graves to debate an Issue of Current Importance.

George Washington calls the congress to order. He says, "Gentlemen. In Harrison County, West Virginia, a school board has been sued by a civil rights group to take down from a school corridor a portrait of Jesus Christ. We are here to vote on whether we shall turn in our graves."

Thomas Jefferson speaks up. He says, "Mr. President, I again go on record to say that it is unseemly that we are again pulled out of our graves to answer a new controversy - or an old one."

Washington nods courteously. "Thank you, Mr. Jefferson."

Jefferson continues, his voice rising a little. "And as I said in life, and as I have said before in these congresses . . ."

Somebody groans. "Here we go again!"

Jefferson continues: "In my life, when I was asked about how to discover the intention of the writers of the Constitution, this at a time when many of my fellows had died (and they sworn to secrecy about the debates of the Convention, besides), this I answered: "laws and institutions must go hand and hand with the progress of the human mind." And this I also said, "This they would say themselves, were they to rise from the dead."

Another delegate grumbles. "Yet here we are."

John Adams clears his throat. "Some among the living say, Mr. Jefferson, that you are not in fact a Founding Father."

This provokes Jefferson. "Who says that?" he demands.

"Tim LaHay, a well-known writer of religious books."

Jefferson glares around the room. "Who was the principal writer of the Declaration of Independence and the third president of the republic? Show me your hands!" He raises his hand.

Washington clears his throat. "The president will conduct all polls."

Jefferson takes his hand down.

Washington speaks again. "We will now vote. Who, concerning this controvesy, chooses to turn in his grave?"

Some delegates raise their hands.

"Who chooses to remain in repose?"

Others raise their hands, Thomas Paine among them. Some abstain, Jefferson among them.

John Adams murmers, "What a surprise. The usual suspects."

James Madison murmers back, "The Religion of every man must be left to the conscience of every man."

To which Adams replies, "You've said that before."

Washington cleares his throat again. "It seems that once again we have no unanimity."

Someone says, "Not in school prayer, not in income taxation, not in health-care reform."

"Health-care reform!" John Adams thunders.

"This again!" someone says, despair creeping into his voice.

John Adams continues, "Every time that issue comes up, some among the living assume - assume! - that we opposed health care provided by government! Do they not know that I signed into law . . .."

Adams is joined by a chorus of weary voices as he says, "an Act for the relief of sick and disabled Seamen?" He continues speaking alone: "That act taxed shipmasters to pay for construction of hospitals and give medical care to merchant and naval seamen."

Benjamin Franklin grins slyly. "Socialist", he says.

"What's that?" John Hancock asks.

"I'll explain later."

John Adams sighs. "Once again, no unanimity. We haven't been unanimous since women were empowered to vote."

"Almost unanimous," corrects Benjamin Franklin. "And it hasn't turned out badly."

John Adams addresses Washington. "Mr. President, your voice might break this impasse in this congress. How do you determine this issue in your mind?"

Washington answers, "The president does not vote and the president does not debate. The president presides."

John Adams persists. "But Mr. President, you prayed with your troops."

Washington replies, "Yes, but also, as I died, slowly, I declined to call for a preacher."

John Adams says with resignation, "Well, the living will just have to say that only some of us are rolling over in our graves, and some of us are not."

Somebody murmers, "Yes, and what are the chances of that happening?"

Washington then concludes the congress.

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This, of course, is a speculative piece, meant in fun. I honestly have no idea whether John Adams would roll over in his grave if a portrait of Jesus were taken out of a school under compulsion. He was deeply religious. But that doesn't necessarily speak to whether he personally approved the First Amendment, or how he would have interpreted it if he did. I suspect that he approved, because being religious isn't the same as wanting government to promote religion. Historians might have a better answer than I do to these questions.

Nor do I know that Benjamin Franklin would have approved women voting. It just wasn't an issue in his day. Women didn't vote, and for a long time few male adults voted, because of property qualifications. But I happen to like Franklin, so I give him the benefit of the doubt. Call it poetic license.

But much of what I have written is based on history. For example: where I quote Jefferson quoting himself, I quote from history. And Washington did decline to call for a preacher as he died.

I can't strongly enough recommend the book The Whites of their Eyes: The Tea Party's Revolution and the Battle over American History, by Jill Lepore. It shines a light on Revolutionary times, the Founding Fathers, the Constitution, and the present debate about original intent. Lepore is a good writer and a great story-teller, besides.