Mitt Romney Up a Tree

Mitt Romney tells the people of Michigan that, in Michigan, the "trees are just the right height." He's said this more than once. Now, maybe, if I went to Michigan, I'd know exactly what he was saying. Maybe I too would say that the trees were the just right height.

But I’ve never been to Michigan. So I’m clueless about this. I'll bet most Americans are like me. Yet, Romney doesn’t explain. That might be because the folks from Michigan already know what he means. "Yep", they might say, "That’s right. That’s exactly right."

And it might be that Romney doesn’t explain because, forget the national audience, this is an intimate moment between Mitt and Michigan. They bond over mutual satisfaction about tree-top altitude.

As long as Mitt and Michigan keep mum, we may never know in what way the perpendicular extent of trees in Michigan is just right. The mystery invites contemplation. Are Michigan trees the right height from which to hang the people who point out that Mitt wanted the Detroit auto industry to go bankrupt?

For all I know, the state’s motto is: "Michigan: Our trees are the right height." If that’s not now the Michigan state motto, maybe it soon will be.

But poor Michigan! Think about it. If Michigan’s trees are just the right height today, that means that in two years they’ll be too tall! Then what will Mitt say? Crowds will throng around him, and he, looking uncomfortable, will say, "Boners! Those trees are perfectly right-heighted!" And nobody will cheer, because they know that he isn’t sincere.

Or, maybe (gasp) Mitt isn’t sincere now. No, hear me out. Maybe he doesn’t think Michigan trees are flawlessly lofty. Or, maybe, in fact, he has no opinion at all about tree highness in Michigan. Maybe he just  can’t be bothered to think of a truly distinctive and admirable quality of the state he grew up in. His just-right-height comments might be the best thing he can think of in a state with one of the nations’s finest universities; and vast lakes on three sides of the state; and a football team that anybody else in Michigan would say they were proud of.

So what Mitt is saying might be like saying, "I like your earrings. They’re big."

Or maybe it’s a dog-whistle message to environmentalists, pitched above the ears of his constituency base. He's saying: "Hey, environmentalists! I’m one of you! I like trees!"

Or maybe it’s a cry for help. Years from now, a bitter Mitt Romney might scold a former campaign aide, saying: "I complemented tree-size, and nobody took me aside to find out what was wrong?!"

Or maybe, as a nation-crossing candidate, Romney is a spy for a foreign power, and he’s speaking in code. Maybe he was told: "Comrade, if gays-people are getting upsets, say is perfect tree height. If poor people they becoming strong, say is perfect car size. If you need is to be extracted, say is perfect size women’s boobies."

Is it a magician’s misdirection? While Michigan folks are scratching their heads and wondering why Mitt is flattering them about upward limits of limbs and leaves, they can’t be wondering why he once said that he was more pro-gay than Ted Kennedy.

The pre-primary polls in Michigan show a tight race between Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney. Could this be a naked pander to Michigan tree-trimmers?

Could it be a political head-fake? Mitt might expect the other candidates to seize this issue and fall over each other to catch up. One after another might labor to describe, in increasingly baroque terms, their opinion of the perfection of Michigan tree elevation. Then Mitt steps forward and says, "What Maroons! They totally fell for that!"

Or maybe, because Michigan has high unemployment, Mitt thinks folks in Michigan are stupid. So he says something that would not challenge the cognition of a semi-sentient lizard. He would have said, "Balls are fun to bounce!" But his handlers thought that was a little too condescending.

Or, look, not to throw stones from my glass house, but is Mitt Romney high? (Just the right height.)

Perhaps Mitt's comments make no sense because we’re only at the beginning of a more elaborate political strategy. Romney will keep saying that Michigan trees are just the right height, until people accept that as true as a matter of course. Then, Romney will say that Barack Obama toured the world saying that Michigan trees were the wrong height. And people will be shocked and angry at the president.

Any of these ideas could be true. Maybe none are. Maybe all are. Romney knows. Or maybe he doesn’t. Maybe the truth will fall on him like the dropping from the anus of a sparrow sitting on the limb of a tree that is just the right height.