Riches Quickly Gained are Soon Lost

I’m an authority on romantic relationships in the same way that I’m an authority on what it was like to live through the siege of Leningrad.

Which is to say: I’m not.

But I’ve got opinions.

Every torpedo-holed relationship that I’ve had to swim away from has left an impression on me. That makes my expertise in relationships like a cartoon about Jimmy Carter when he was running for re-election. It showed a sign with a campaign slogan: "Jimmy Carter: This time he’ll get it right."

A few of years ago, I was in a serious relationship with a beautiful professional woman my age. The relationship proceeded very quickly. We had a great rapport. But the relationship also ended quickly. One night, she left my home as if she were being whipped to her car. I tried to phone her, but she put me off. In fact, she put me off so long that by the time that she formally declared that our relationship had no pulse, I had managed to pass through all five stages of grief.

Over time, we’ve talked, and she’s given me a bill of particulars for the breakup. But, ultimately, I think we were too close too soon, and we had forged no tools to solve problems that come with closeness.

Riches quickly gained are soon lost.

The lesson I’ve taken from that relationship is: go slow.

There’s a reason to go slow that is shown by every busted relationship I’ve had. One reason is my fatalism about relationships. Some are inherently sturdy. Some are innately feeble. Only time tells you which your relationship is. You want the sturdy relationship for the long haul.

And you want, of course, the right partner. And who that is just isn’t visible like the bottom of a koi pond. It’s more like California Pacific waters. You might have to go below the surface for a ways to see the bottom.

Exploring those unknown waters should be fun. You might as well enjoy dating. Because the joy of the date might be the only thing you get. This is true because, I think, most relationships don’t work out. There’s no reason to be bitter when that happens. And it isn’t, usually, a judgment on yourself or the person you’re dating. It’s just the way things are. So, be kind, be light, be a person who leaves a good memory even if the relationship goes only so far and no further.

I’ve heard different strategies for dating. One now-famous one is to subtly undermine your date’s self-esteem. Another one has been called "wantless-ness" – sort of a zen approach.

When I was a child, I was in a sporting-goods store. There was a glass case with fishing lures. The fishing lures were all colors and sizes; some were simple, some were complex. I asked the counter-clerk what kind of fishing lure someone should buy. He said that depended on what kind of fish he wanted to catch.

This is the kind of fish that I want to catch: the kind that will study me and make her goal to make my life good, as far as she is able. That will also be my goal for her. That idea made it easy for me to accept the end of my relationship with the beautiful professional woman I spoke about at the outset. Because, whatever reasons she gave me, I realized that she did not believe that I was adding value to her life. Therefore, there was no reason to go on with the relationship. It was that simple.

When I was much younger, I was fascinated by women who had no interest in me. I now look back at my younger self and wonder if blood was getting to my brain. Sometimes, I would, in a stroke of clarity, realize that this person was not interested in me, and I would abandon hope and cease to pursue her. Oddly, that sometimes provoked in this or that woman's interest in me. When that happened, I would renew my own interest in her. But then, somewhat predictably, she would again loose interest in me. Happily, things never worked out. I can’t imagine being married to a woman to whom I had to be indifferent or feign indifference.

Mutual interests: key. Different interests: also key. A habit of loyalty: essential. Love: irreplaceable. The mutual interests become clear pretty quickly. Loyalty you have to learn about. Love comes later and cannot be rushed.

There are a lot of guys on probation that now know that the loneliness of single-hood is better than a bad marriage. But every marriage is an act of faith and hope. You do not know what the future holds. Nobody can be certain that a relationship will be happy. All you can do is to try to be shrewd about who you walk into undiscovered country with.