Liking the Life that I Have

I’m odd.

                   1. About me.

I’m a believer. But unlike other believers I know, I assume that I’m not going to heaven.

I spend evenings reading and liking books like Francis Fukuyama’s The Origins of Political Order. I’m now also reading Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Melville’s Moby-Dick, and a book about perjury cases called Tangled Webs.

I subscribe to many magazines. Among these are The Economist and Rolling Stone. I read The New York Times.

I write essays and post them on my blog.
2. A brief recent history of my dating disappointments.
I dated a lawyer from Long Beach for a while. It was a swift relationship. It was swift to start and swift to end. As the proverb says, "Riches quickly gained are soon lost."

She wasn’t a communicator. While we dated, she never told me that she was unsatisfied. But one night she fled my home as if she were being whipped by demons, and I didn’t hear from her for a couple of weeks. By the time she formally dismissed our relationship, I had had time to go through all five stages of grief. She gave me reasons for breaking up, but the real reason was that she didn’t love me.

I’ve dated since then. The women have been Christians. In one case, I was strongly drawn to a woman, but the relationship broke on my certainty about my damnation. That doesn’t appeal to women who have their eyes fixed on the modern mirage of certainty of salvation.

I dated a very kind woman. She also broke up with me. We’ve talked since then. But if it takes aggressiveness by me to overcome the barriers between us, then those barriers won’t be overcome, because I won’t be aggressive. With her, I don’t know but that she might one day actually enter heaven. And I don’t want to be the millstone around her neck that drags her down.

Sometimes, I’m protective of a good woman, and the first thing I want to protect her from is me.
3. What I look for.
So I’m odd. With my oddity, finding a soul mate is a challenge.

I know men who have made choices of wives that they regret. So I won’t marry except with my eyes open to the likelihood that we’ll be in love and have harmony to the end.

If I marry, I must marry a kind woman. And I must marry a woman I can share ideas with – someone who won’t lift Fukuyama’s book from my chair and wonder Why?

Realistically, Christianity is optional. A sense of humor is mandatory.

If she were wise, that would be welcome.
4. Acceptance.
But, realistically, today is the best predictor of tomorrow. Today I’m single.

Fine.

My life as a single man is better than I have a right to expect. I find stimulation in ideas, and in language, and in good books. I have leisure to enjoy these things.

I have access to a good swimming pool where I work out. This restores me when I’m tired or anxious or irritable. It gives me self-confidence.

I have a job in which I help people. That can’t be taken for granted. In my thirty-year career, there are things that I’ve enjoyed about work; but consistently I’ve enjoyed making life better for people. It has been a joy to be their expert scout through the (to them) trackless justice system.

I’m grateful for these good things, and I hope that they last while I live. If they are not added to, still my life is (as to these things) fortunate.

I cannot be so obsessed about loneliness that I overlook so many good things.
5. Benediction.
So I say goodbye to the soul mate that I never met. I wish her well. I wish her happiness. I wish I met her, but I’m content to be a stranger to her, because I cannot spend the rest of my life shaking door nobs to doors that do not open, when there is so much in life to be grateful for.